On the road

I said goodbye to Champaign on Sunday. Parting was much harder than I thought it would be. I didn't leave Champaign until after 7pm, nearly 4 hours later than I intended as I kept finding reasons to stay a bit longer. It was hard to leave the town that I chose to call home for 5 years. I will greatly miss my friends and roomate of 5 years.

But enough sadness. I arrived in Bloomington, IN for the 20th Biennial Conference on Chemical Education. http://bcce2008.indiana.edu/
In less than 24 hours I reconnected with my chemical education research advisor, professors from various universities that sabbaticalled with said research advisor, and even former graduate students/postdocs from UIUC. I'm very grateful for going to a school with such a robust alumni unit. I love coming to conferences because I love reconnecting with people and making new connections. Its been very therapuetic.

As I drove away from Champaign, I began to fear that I would not be able to make friends in my new home. However, this conference reminds me how its much more likely that I'll make so many friends that I won't be able to feel lonely again. Only time will tell.

1 more day left

Wow, only 1 more official day in lab and then I leave for a year. This week has been incredibly productive for those tiny things that you always need to get done before leaving town, but incredibly unproductive for actual work. I learned a valuable lesson this summer, write all papers and take care of work that needs actual thought at least three weeks before you leave. By the time the last three weeks arrive, you are too caught up with saying goodbye and tying up loose ends that you can not concentrate for more than 10 minutes at a time. On Wednesday I had to practically lock myself to my computer to write a 2 paragraph abstract for a conference. Now the abstract is 'nearly' done. I just have to make one picture and then submit it.

As one of my final acts before leaving, I had a very detailed meeting with my primary advisor today where we discussed a timeline for my graduation and the work I needed to do in Germany. I was completely surprised when he not only supported my accelerated timeline (graduating within 2 months of returning from Europe), he even considered the possibility that I could even schedule a 'virtual defense'. I would give my final defense in Germany while my thesis committee watched me on a computer screen. :-) As interesting as the idea sounded, I decided that it would probably be easier to visit Champaign for a few weeks and finish up all details. Earlier this year I though I needed a 6 month lease, hoping that I could graduate by December 2009. Now it looks like I may not even stay long enough to justify anything more than a hotel room for a couple of weeks!

I am extremely excited about graduating sooner than expected, but I am saddened by the finality that today's meeting portended. Now when I take the bus home for the night, I realize it may be the last time I take the bus 'home'. My next bus trip may only be to a hotel for the night, or more likely to a friends home to sleep on their couch. I wrote this post on the bus, and now it appears that my bus ride is over...another last moment, gone.

Details make the going tough

26 days until I leave for Germany.

It seems like I still have a while before I leave, but perhaps these numbers make more sense

3 days until I move out of my house
12 days until I leave champaign for a year
21 days until I bid farewell to Andy on US soil

Time flies quickly when you're busy. My desk at home and in lab is covered with post-it notes, detailing all the things I have to do before I leave town. The sheer number of post it notes is overwhelming and causes me to lose motivation. Add in the fact that I'm also trying to sell out my stock of Mary Kay before I leave (help me out by visiting www.marykay.com/chariteach) and give 30 free facials before July 22nd, it makes for one very busy person.

Preparing to go overseas for a year is very very stressful and exciting at the same time. So far, I think I'm managing but I think its because I'm procrastinating. I still haven't even started my presentation for a conference in two weeks and I still have to draft 3 papers before I leave town. I have a draft of one paper, the other two have outlines. I keep thinking that time will just appear out of nowhere or that I will somehow become ubermotivated before I leave. So far, motivation eludes me.

One of the hardest parts of leaving is that I don't know what is going to happen. If you know me, you know that I love to plan and plan for contingencies if the first plan fails. I have no idea what my expenses will look like next year, how I can find time to visit the grocery store when the lab is on the top of the hill, or how I'm going to learn Quantum Mechanics in a language I can barely understand! I try to remind myself that I will survive, even if I have to eat Mensa food for lunch every day (2 Euros for a 3 course meal) or if I fail Quantum Mechanics (my grade will not transfer back to the University anyways).

My research advisors obviously think I can handle a year abroad or they wouldn't have written the application letters. My fiance is convinced that next year will be absolutely amazing, despite the fact we will be seperated by an ocean for another year. Deep down, I believe them and I believe that the next year will be exciting as well. I could continue more on that thought, but the army of post-it notes is threatening to invade unless I start taking them out one by one. Hopefully next time I post, the army will be reduced by a battalion or two. :-)

Travels begin again

Oh my, I haven't posted in quite some time. I've haven't had the heart to post to my blog since I passed my prelim...but its not because I haven't traveled. In fact, I've traveled a great deal. From a spring conference in New Orleans to a grand American Road Trip along I-70 to a summer conference in Vegas. (BTW: a rather exciting event occurred on the road trip to Seattle. Check out my Picture website for details.) I've earned over 10000 frequent flier miles this alone, which brings me halfway towards my goal of elite status on a major airline. My next three flights will be on different carriers so it doesn't look like I reach that goal this year.

I should explain why I'm resurrecting my blog. After returning from my CESRI travels in Central Europe, I decided that I wasn't content to study in the corn fields of Champaign anymore so I spent two weeks preparing an application for the Fulbright program. If you aren't familiar with the Fulbright program, I will give you a short summary (and of course a link to the Wikipedia article).

The program was created in 1946 by an act of Congress. Named after US Senator J William Fulbright, the program seeks to forge ties between nations through intellectual and cultural exchange. Every year the US government send students and faculty overseas to study the culture of their host country while also acting as an intellectual ambassador for the United States of America. (Note: the program also brings foreign students and faculty to study and teach at American Universities). This year, nearly 7000 people worldwide were selected as Fulbright Scholars. In mid-April, I found out that I was one of those people!

I was awarded a 9 month student fellowship and 6 week language training to Germany. I will be returning to work with the Frenking Group at Phillips-Universitat in Marburg, Germany. I leave for Germany in less than 7 weeks. In the meantime, I'll try to keep you posted on all important travel items, including the mounds of paperwork to fill out.

I am deeply honored and incredibly excited to receive the Fulbright this year. I hope to learn a lot of German and a little bit of chemistry along the way. Auf Wiedersehen!

self-imposed exile is now over

I passed! I passed my preliminary oral exam and I am now an official PhD candidate. :-) so now I can smile with confidence! :-)

disappeared from blogging but wishing I could disapear from life for a while

Wow, the last few weeks have been absolutely torturous. I've really struggled with a sense of alienation lately. Most of the alienation stems from my self-imposed exile from life outside of the research lab. Since I am a rather social person and quantum chemical calculations are not social, I have become rather depressed and lonely. But let me back track...Why did I exile myself from life outside of the lab?

One: I take my oral exam for my Phd on Dec. 10th. The oral exam is meant to test your ability to defend and describe your research. But in order to defend and describe your research, you must know and love it. I can do neither, which has lead to many thoughts about the meaning of life and why I really want a PhD, which of course spirals down into an empty abyss of self-loathing and hopelessness.

By placing myself into exile, I decided to let research consume my being. Anything that was not research related was considered frivolous and must be disposed of. Gone are the big and small joys of my life.

Graditeam list - replaced by the Gaussian03 Users Manual
Dinners with friends - replaced by dinners in front of the terminal screen
Phone calls- screened and returned only in the case of emergency
Church - attended when necessary
Family - see phone calls
sleep - replaced by caffeine and papers
Boyfriend - seen 1-2 times a week for moral support (you can guess that this causes a slight strain on the relationship)
Instant Messenger - turned off

I even went so far to turn off my gmail news feed so I won't get distracted by inane newstories or advertisements for quantum chemistry packages.

So my life has been stripped down to my computer, papers, food prepared one week in advance, and meetings with my advisor.....and occasionally an hour or two with the boyfriend.

The problem with this life...it stinks.

I don't love my research. I can barely tolerate it at times. Being absorbed into my research may be the source of the mysterious twitching that has developed recently. But the thing is....if I want to pass this prelim...I have to learn to love my research. So I figure the best way to do that is to continue to spend inordinate amounts of time on it until I get to know it in a personal way. Love will stem from a mutual sense of hatred into a beautiful flower of brilliant research.

I must now disappear into research world again.

Continuing the Tour

Hi, I'm back...

After a one month hiatus I decided to continue the blog. My European travels may be over (for the time being) but my adventures continue. So if you don't mind, I'm going to continue to post to my blog. Hopefully people still read it. :-)

In the last month I moved, visited family in KY, finished a portion of a project, helped with Teaching Assistant Training, started my own course, and finished a huge fellowship application. Now that my 800 students have checked into lab and my room is mostly completed, I believe my life can continue on.

I miss Europe. I miss the sense of adventure I felt every weekend as I explored a new place and I missed trying new things everyday. But I've learned to appreciate the things I love about home. I love the Champaign bus service and the fact that I am walking distance from my boyfriends apartment (2.3 miles is walking distance if you give yourself 40 minutes to walk it). I also love visiting my favorite organic food store (Strawberry Fields) after I make my Saturday morning farmer's market run. I love the ability to use my cell phone to call home as much as I want without paying ridiculous roaming fees.

But I think the thing I love most is knowing that I know my country. I may not understand why we have 20 different types of yogurt, but I know which kind I want. I love not having to ask someone how to operate the vending machine or what type of food I'm ordering off the menu. I also know how to navigate cell phone customer service. I guess I just like things to be normal, so I don't have to ask for help every time I want to try something new. But at the same time, I know that after a few months of normal, I'm going to start begging for travel experiences soon.

Just as a precaution for boring days ahead, anyone want me to visit?