disappeared from blogging but wishing I could disapear from life for a while

Wow, the last few weeks have been absolutely torturous. I've really struggled with a sense of alienation lately. Most of the alienation stems from my self-imposed exile from life outside of the research lab. Since I am a rather social person and quantum chemical calculations are not social, I have become rather depressed and lonely. But let me back track...Why did I exile myself from life outside of the lab?

One: I take my oral exam for my Phd on Dec. 10th. The oral exam is meant to test your ability to defend and describe your research. But in order to defend and describe your research, you must know and love it. I can do neither, which has lead to many thoughts about the meaning of life and why I really want a PhD, which of course spirals down into an empty abyss of self-loathing and hopelessness.

By placing myself into exile, I decided to let research consume my being. Anything that was not research related was considered frivolous and must be disposed of. Gone are the big and small joys of my life.

Graditeam list - replaced by the Gaussian03 Users Manual
Dinners with friends - replaced by dinners in front of the terminal screen
Phone calls- screened and returned only in the case of emergency
Church - attended when necessary
Family - see phone calls
sleep - replaced by caffeine and papers
Boyfriend - seen 1-2 times a week for moral support (you can guess that this causes a slight strain on the relationship)
Instant Messenger - turned off

I even went so far to turn off my gmail news feed so I won't get distracted by inane newstories or advertisements for quantum chemistry packages.

So my life has been stripped down to my computer, papers, food prepared one week in advance, and meetings with my advisor.....and occasionally an hour or two with the boyfriend.

The problem with this life...it stinks.

I don't love my research. I can barely tolerate it at times. Being absorbed into my research may be the source of the mysterious twitching that has developed recently. But the thing is....if I want to pass this prelim...I have to learn to love my research. So I figure the best way to do that is to continue to spend inordinate amounts of time on it until I get to know it in a personal way. Love will stem from a mutual sense of hatred into a beautiful flower of brilliant research.

I must now disappear into research world again.