be afraid or be wrong

Or...don't be afraid to be wrong. I've noticed that I have two choices while studying here in Germany, I can speak in German and probably say something wrong, or I can be afraid of making a mistake. My mood fluctuates between the two. Sometimes I spend 10 minutes trying to come up with the grammatically correct sentence only to see the person walk away before I can use it. Other times I just blurt out a sentence that makes the German speakers go "huh?". When I think about what I just tried to say, even I go "huh?" I am afraid because I don't want to be labeled an idiot, but if I don't speak, I could possibly be labeled as rude.

This week is the first week that I've been completely surrounded by Germans. The last 6 weeks I've had the ability to fall back into American English with other Fulbrighters. At this conference, the official language is English (ironic considering that the conference is a meeting of German speaking countries) but most people slip back to German during breaks and lunches. Sometimes I understand the German but most of the time I understand about 25% of what they say (similar to my understanding of all the current theoretical talks). If you've ever been to a conference with me, you know that I love to use breaks to network. I smile and make sure that I talk to all the interesting speakers that I meet (which leads to very exciting opportunities). At this conference, I'm often too intimidated by the German (and quantum chemistry) language of the speakers to say anything more than hello.

German, like scientific research, requires that you make a lot of mistakes before things turn out right.

After two days of this behavior I'm sick and tired of it. Why am I so afraid to look like a fool? For my research, its in my best interest to ask as many questions as possible, even if they are extremely simple. Its so much better to look like a fool now when I'm just learning the subject than look like a fool when I try to give my defense. For German speaking, I'm the only person who thinks that I should be fluent in German quantum chemical terms.The language of science is English, so I've had to remind myself that its okay to speak English with other scientists. I also can not expect myself to speak perfect German (or Quantum) after just short study. So I have to overcome my natural shyness (yes, believe it or not, I am naturally shy) and start making mistakes. So today, I stopped forcing myself to talk only in German and embraced my natural desire to network. So far, nothing amazing has happened other than I don't feel as stressed out, but I'll keep you updated if a Nobel Laureate invites me for tea. :-)